Chinese New Year

Today is first day of cny. Ben and family went back to msia leaving me alone here at home. Day had been real terrible for me. When I am back home, I had a bad bad bad stomachache and I went toilet nearly 4 times. Painful. I am upset coz my parents keep saying things like, "Nobody is at home, why dont you stay over?" I insisted on going back Ben place...my dad went black face and said many nasty things like "You treat there as home already?" My sister said you become their watchdog when they are not around? But the real reason is that, I do not want to have any argument back at home at any point. If I stayed there for few days, my parents may feel that this is your home, why do you need move back after few days later? You know things like that. My mum felt that I am not married over there, Ben's parents may look down on me, relatives may say. They feel ashamed. They think I dont want? I also wanna have a name in this family. I want to be Ben's wife. As least a status that I can stay here forever and not let anybody gossip. But Ben is still in army, he is the only son, and he is not trying to save up money to marry me! He only earn few hundreds a month. I do not wish to stress him or show him that I am desperate and want someone to marry me. But I have feelings too, sometimes I feel left out...becoz I feel that I am not part of the real family. His parents are gd to me, bring to everywhere to eat. So I just stayed and I stayed for one year already. But today, my parents started to say all these again to make me mad! My dad face went all black the whole night! I wanna tell them, I dont feel love at that home, SO i dun wan move back! Not becoz of anything else. Even if i dont stay here, I will rent a place outside. MYSELF. BUT wait till I earn enough! I am struggling every month to save for 10k to study next year.

My boyfriend, sometimes gd to me, sometimes just ignoring me. Sometimes when i watch other bf will look for their gf whenever the gf leave their sight.But my bf not! He never find me when I am gone or when I am bored somewhere. Then when I complained, he thinks I giving him stress and no freedom. At night, after a night of his game, I wanna chat with him in the room, but he said he wanna sleep and tired. He played the game whole day but nv complained but when I asked to chat he said he is tired. Why? Sometimes I feel my life just suck, birthday and cny unhappy.It should be happy occasion but I just always being sad and alone. My bf and parents made me cry on my birthday. Things always goes bad for me. I feel like dying. BUt I told myself to stay strong. And be independent. Coz in the end, I will still be alone.