Rainy dark morning

Been quite a while since my last confession. today is 20th April. Time is passing so fast that I feel that 24hours is not enough! My first paper is on 7th May and I am way behind my schedule. I just feel tired n exhausted after the prelim. It is so tough~ Sigh. And my addiction to Celestial Destroyer hasn't been helping me. And god~ weather is so hot nowadays! I mean HOTTTTT. I can feel the heat everywhere. Finally it shows sign of raining today. Even the water of the tap is hot. I am feeling so bad n guilty that I lost so much time of not studying. GODDD help me!

Ytd night I found out that Ben's parents are going pasir, italy..loads of places. All the places that I wished to go. But never that I feel excited even I knew they will bring me along. I just unhappy the fact that they restrict Ben from taking leaves, but for their own benefits of so they can go holidays together at end of year. Iterally taking the whole leave period which is 12days. I was saving and hoping to visit other country beaches during my 21st birthday this year. I keep having a feeling that their trips will clash on my trip. And I have no choice and no objection but to have their trip go ahead even it clash on mine. Even is Ben not celebrating birthday with me. Hai. I tell you, I have no freedom of speech at this home. Even my boyfriend scolds me when I talk too much. He never understand me. Still like a little boy, doing just what he wants. Never put me in the plans that he had. I feel of moving out. Be alone. Maybe just myself. No family no boyfriend. Good ya? no problem and with money can do whatever I want. No one to scold me. No one to snatch my birthday celebration off again. I will see....wait till I got money, and I feel that he is not worth for me spending my life staying with him, I will move out. I love him. But I realise I must love his family anot even though I don't like some of their attitude. My attitude is not good either. Fine, I will be old and lonely forever.

Revision is making me crazy and never once put my heart at rest. My PMS is not helping in any way! My face!! PIMPLES. ALL SIGNS of stress. Pls god, I been praying to you everyday. Could you let me once feel that my life is worth it?